Since all of us are often under a great deal of stress, once in a while it does us good to give ourselves over to something that is of a “merry heart.” In that spirit, I am sharing the following “tongue in cheek” essay on “How Much Is That Preacher in the Window?” I clipped it out of a publication that came to my desk twenty years ago. It was originally published in Please Don’t Stand Up in My Canoe by Jean Shaw (Zondervan, 1975). I got a chuckle out of it and I hope you will, too.
“Good morning, madam. May I help you?”
“Yes, please, I’d like to buy a minister.”
“Did you have a particular model in mind?”
“I’ve got a description from the candidate committee right here. We want a man about 30, well educated, with some experience. Good preacher and teacher, balanced personality. Serious, but with a good sense of humor. Efficient, but not rigid. In good health. Able to identify with all age groups. And, if possible, sings tenor.”
“Sings tenor?”
“We’re short of tenors in the choir.”
“I see. Well, that’s quite a list. How much money did you want to spend?”
“The committee says $15,000-$15,500 dollars.”
“Hmm. Well, perhaps we’d better start in the bargain basement.”
“Tell me, how much is that model in the window?”
“You mean the one in the Pendleton plaid suit and the grey suede dune boots?”
“Yes, that one. He’s a real dream.”
“That’s our Dallas #467. He has a Ph.D. and AKC papers?”
“AKC papers?”
“American Koinonia Council. He sells for $16,000 plus house.”
“Wow! That’s too rich for our blood. What about that model over there?”
“Ah, yes. An exceptional buy. Faith #502. He’s a little older than 30, but excellent experience. Aggressive. Good heart. Has a backing of sermons, two of which have been printed in Christianity Today.”
“He’s not too bad. Can you do something about his bald head? Mrs. Fulton especially insists that our minister have some hair.”
“Madam, all of our ministers come in a variety of hair styles.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Now let me show you Olympia #222. Four years of varsity sports at Southern U. Plays football, basketball, volleyball and ping-pong. Comes complete with sports equipment.”
“What a physique! He must weigh 200 pounds!”
“Yes, indeed. You get a lot for your money with this one. And think what he can do for your young people.”
“Great! But how is his preaching?”
“I must admit he’s not St. Peter. But you can’t expect good sermons and a church-wide athletic program too!”
“I suppose not. Still…”
“Let me show you Westminster #801. Now, here’s a preacher! All his sermons are superb—well researched, copious anecdotes, and they always have three points. And he comes with a full set of Calvin’s Commentaries at no extra cost! You get the whole package for $18,300!”
“He’s wearing awfully thick glasses.”
“For $200 more we can put in contact lenses.”
“I don’t know. He might study too much. We don’t want a man who’s in his office all the time.”
“Of course. How about that minister over there? Comes from a management background. Trained in business operations. Adept with committees. Gets his work done by 11:30 every morning.”
“His tag says he’s an IBM 486x.”
“Madam, you have a discerning eye. Innovative Biblical Methods! This man will positively revitalize your church.”
“I’m not sure our church wants to be revitalized. Haven’t you got something less revolutionary?”
“Well, would you like someone of the social worker type? We have this Ghetto #130.”
“The man with the beard. Good gracious, no. Mrs. Fulton would never go for that.”
“How about Empathy #41C? His forte is counseling. Very sympathetic! Patient. Good with people who have problems.”
“Everyone in our church has problems. But he might not get out and visit new people. We really need a man who does a lot of visitation. You see, all of our people are very busy and…”
“Yes, yes. I understand. You want a minister who can do everything well.”
“That’s it! Haven’t you got somebody like that?”
“I’m thinking. In our back room we have a minister who was traded in last week. Excellent man, but he broke down after three years. If you don’t mind a used model, we can sell him at a reduced price.”
“Well, we had hoped for someone brand new. We just redecorated the sanctuary, and we wanted a new minister to go with it.”
“Of course. But with a little exterior work, a fresh suit, this man will look like he just came out of the box. No one will ever know. Let me bring him out and you can look him over.”
“All right. Honestly, this minister shopping is exhausting. It’s so hard to get your money’s worth. Tell me, do you accept coupons, and do you double them? What about rebates?”
“Uh, no. But if there’s any dissatisfaction after six months, we send a new congregation for the balance of the year. That usually takes care of most of the problems.”
*******
Well, there you have it.
Preachers: Maybe we need to be more understanding of the pitfalls that pulpit committees face when “shopping” for a new pastor!
Pulpit committees: Watch out, you may get what you bargained for!
YOU and GOD 